


To Have Two Homes

by alexygalaxy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Future Fic, Sad Ending, because of choices that werent made, i wrote it well before e71 came out but its now seems applicable again, or possibly because of choices that were
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 08:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19903063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexygalaxy/pseuds/alexygalaxy
Summary: Veth left the M9 to go home, and she gets a visit from Jester, and all her uncertainty comes crashing down at once.





	To Have Two Homes

**Author's Note:**

> sorry. and pay attention to the names.

When Veth hears a frantic knocking at her door in the middle of the afternoon and yells “Coming!” before slowly dancing her way around the papers and vials strewn about Yeza’s in-home laboratory, she does not expect to see Jester standing outside. Since officially parting from the Mighty Nein about six months ago, Veth hasn’t seen any of them in person. Letters have been scarce (which Veth is not surprised by, given the group's highly nomadic nature) and Jester’s Sendings make it seem as though the group won’t be near Felderwin for a few weeks more, at least.

The shock is enough to make her stop in her tracks, but it doesn’t matter, because Jester is picking her up and swinging her in a whirling hug the second the door is open. Veth’s arms instinctively wrap around her neck, and her face buries in Jester’s hair. It tickles Veth’s nose, just like it always does. Jester’s spin slows down, and Veth wraps her legs around her waist so she doesn’t slip out of the hug. She holds onto Jester tight for a few moments before Jester’s voice catches Veth’s ear, soft and low and content.

“I missed you.”

Veth nuzzles into Jester’s neck. “I missed you too.”

By gods, Veth has missed her. She thought knew what she was leaving behind when she walked away from the Nein. She had expected the waking up in the middle of the night because it was too quiet without Caduceus’ snoring, and she had expected the jumpiness at small things that proved to be of no danger. She had expected the moments of excitement every time the bookstore restocked paper and ink before she realized Caleb was not here to buy any. She had expected the pangs in her chest whenever Luc whined for a pastry. She had expected the itch in her stomach for alcohol growing stronger each time she spent too long staring out the window and wondering where the party was now. 

She has not expected how much fuller her heart could become upon seeing Jester’s face again. Veth feels the warmth in her chest about to burst and she pulls even tighter to Jester, trying to keep from exploding. Jester hums, soft vibrations passing into Veth’s ribcage and making her feel like Frumpkin when he purrs. 

“Why are you here?” she asks Jester, fearing that the answer will be painful.

“I just couldn’t wait to see you, so I came ahead of everyone,” Jester replies, and Veth’s heart nearly gives way with the amount of love that fills it. 

“I’m so glad to see you, Jes.” Veth whispers, and though she cannot properly convey just how much she means it, she is sure that Jester knows. 

Eventually, Jester sets Veth down, and Veth takes Jester’s hand as she leads her inside.

“Still getting used to the place,” Veth says as she begins her house tour before Jester can even bother to ask for one. “Given that our old house was burned down and we built this one after coming home.”

“It’s really nice,” Jester comments, squeezing Veth’s hand in a way that would be considered desperate if it were any tighter.

“Sorry ‘bout the - shit - mess.” Veth kicks Luc’s toys out of their path as she pulls Jester through their entryway. “Been telling that kid to pick his things up for days now.”

“Where is he?”

“There’s some merchants passing through town that Yeza’s checking out and Luc wanted to go shopping with his dad. They’ll be at least another hour, gods know that man takes forever to pick out his chemicals.” Veth laughs fondly. She cuts herself off as she feels Jester’s hand loose and begin to pull away. She says nothing, but runs her thumb reassuringly over Jester’s as her grip tightens again. 

“Not much to see down here, most of the place is lab or storage,” Veth explains, gesturing to their left at the somewhat disheveled lab she had been working in just a few minutes ago. 

Jester just nods. It’s unsettling. Veth knows her well enough to know she doesn’t like being quiet like this. 

She tugs on Jester, guiding her up the narrow stairway to the second floor of their home. 

“Kitchen’s up on the right, kinda small, but it works. There’s a lounge space up there too. And then bedrooms to the left, Luc’s first, then me and Yeza’s.” They’re standing on the top step as Veth points with her free hand, Jester’s gaze following dutifully. She still has barely spoken since they entered the house, and there’s a deep sinking feeling in Veth’s gut, buried underneath the excitement of actually having Jester, here,  _ with _ her, again. 

They wait there for an awkward moment, silence thick between them. Veth clears her throat and begins taking Jester down the left hallway, towards her and Yeza’s room. She turns the handle and pushes the door in, stepping into the room and feeling Jester follow her. She doesn’t know why she brought them in here. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She looks around, searching for anything worth talking about. The silence is starting to hurt to stand in. 

“I can’t sleep without you anymore,” Jester blurts out. 

That hurts more.

“Oh, Jes,” Veth murmurs, turning to look at Jester, still holding her hand. Jester is gripping it desperately now. Veth grips it desperately back. 

“I - I’m sorry. I’ve been trying, but I can’t. There’s too much space in the hut, and my stomach gets cold ‘cause I - ‘cause I’m not holding you, and I can’t stay asleep. I take a lot more watches now, but that’s just as bad, ‘cause then I’m up all night thinking about you.”

At some point, Veth has shuffled over to her bed and sunk onto it, pulling Jester down with her. They finally release hands now, only for Jester to bring both of hers up to Veth’s face. They press into Veth’s cheeks, warm and soft, thumbs notching perfectly against her cheek bones. Jester’s forehead bumps against Veth’s, bangs tickling Veth as they shift slightly with every breath Jester takes. Their noses just barely brush, and their breath mingles in the shallow space between their lips. Jester’s breath still smells the same. 

“Nott,” Jester whispers, and the name pounds in Veth’s head.

“Jes,” Veth returns, nudging her face into Jester’s hands. She wants so badly to be held, like this, by her, forever. 

It  _ feels _ like forever, the quiet minute where they sit like this, barely touching, clinging to each other for dear life.

“It’s not the same,” Jester breathes. 

“I’m sorry,” Veth chokes. 

Silence falls again, thick and crushing. They still have not moved, save the shallow breaths taken out of shared air. A second passes, or is it an hour, or is it a year. Jester doesn’t know, nor does she care. Veth is making a point of ignoring time. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I keep thinking you’re gonna be there when I turn around,” Veth says. “It’s always just an empty room.” 

“Better? No. But it makes me think there’s a chance.”

“Chance of what?” The question hangs in the air, turning slowly in their minds like a charm dangling from a held chain.

“Come away with me, Nott.” Jester is begging. “Come home.”

“I  _ went _ home, Jes. You know that,” Veth answers, low volume making her voice nearly as scratchy as Nott’s was. “I  _ am  _ home, now.”

“Are you sure?” 

Veth’s breath catches and she shakes in Jester’s grasp. She isn’t aware she’s started crying until she feels the tears drop from her chin onto her chest, and Jester brushes each cheek dry. Veth opens her mouth and no words come out. She refuses to meet Jester’s eyes, because the answer is in there and she doesn’t want to have to say it.

Jester finds Veth’s gaze anyway, damn it. 

Veth wants her flask. 

Her response is barely audible.

“No.”

Veth looks at Jester now, hopeless and drowning, and Jester just stays there, Veth’s face cupped in her palms, the only thing keeping her from sinking entirely below the water. Veth starts to shake, and Jester pulls her head to her chest and cradles it, rocking slowly and stroking a comforting hand over her braids. Jester’s face screws up as she tries to keep the tears from slipping out of her own eyes. 

“I thought I knew what I was doing,” Veth whispers into Jester’s shirt. Jester’s shirt still smells the same. 

This is true. Veth thought she knew what she was doing when she asked Caleb for True Polymorph so she could go back to her husband and her son. She thought she was going home, to heal her family. She thought she was making things right. Whole. 

For the most part, she has been doing that. Yeza is happier than he’s been in years, getting ever happier. Luc is growing into an energetic young boy. Their apothecary is popular, and successful. They have a house, they have a family, they have a future. Everything Veth had ever wanted for herself, she has, in her reach. 

Except for them. Except for her family, the one made of seven, the one who took her as she was when she was nothing and loved her until she was her again. Except for her house, which went wherever Caleb and his spell book went. Except for her future, becoming the face of legend with them as she created good in the world at a scale she never thought possible. 

Except for Jester. Oh, gods, Jester. 

Veth loves Yeza, of course she does, but her heart is bigger now than it was before. There’s space for two inside, or so she thought. Maybe there's not because it seems to be tearing in half right now and she doesn’t know how to make it go back together, and it hurts  _ so much _ .

Veth presses forwards, stuttering, her lips nearly brushing Jester’s but pulling back at the last second. She … can’t. 

It wouldn’t have been their first kiss. Gods know it wouldn’t have been. There were a million stolen kisses, traded in the months before they knew Yeza was alive, and then again in the months after he left to care for Luc and Veth stayed to get her body back, and even more so in the too-short journey back after Veth was Veth again. Kisses on cheeks and on lips and on foreheads and jawlines, noses, collarbones, knuckles, necks, breasts.    


Kissing Jester is not the issue. Never kissing Jester again is. If Veth kisses her now, it will have to be their last one, and that is not a reality she is prepared to face. 

“Stay with me, Jester,” she pleads, before she knows what she’s saying. “Stay here with me.”

“I can’t,” Jester answers, “This is your home, you know that. This is _your_ home, and I don’t belong in it.”

Nott kisses her.

Nott kisses her with fervor, with desperation, with longing, with love. So much love. Six months of it, brimming over and nowhere to go. Nott kisses her again, and again, salt tears dripping down her face, and she knows that this will make it hurt even more when she has to walk away again but she doesn’t care, because maybe, somehow, things will work out and she will be able to live like this forever. In Jester’s arms, with Jester’s love. 

“You will always, _always_ belong with me,” Nott whispers between kisses. “You are my home and I am yours. I will always be yours.”

Jester says nothing, she just keeps kissing Nott, thumbs notched against Nott’s cheeks where they were designed to fit. 

Veth pulls away. 

“The boys will be back any minute now,” she says, voice hollow and thick. She thinks she sounds like a corpse.

“Right, of course,” Jester answers, hands dropping from Veth’s cheeks in slow motion, descending through water to crushing depth. 

“We can meet them downstairs,” Veth says. She stands from the bed, trying not to tip too far forward, lest her heart spill its contents. It is split now, cleanly, gouged apart by her own hand. 

Veth leads Jester back downstairs. 

How unlucky it is to have two homes.

**Author's Note:**

> i really didn't want my first nottster fic to be so emo esp bc this was mostly written for me to be cathartic about not seeing my friends for like 3 months but ep 71 happened and nott was faced with a choice between families and it felt like a calling for me to put it out into the world so, again, sorry.
> 
> comments/kudos are always appreciated if you feel so inclined, and feel free to come talk to me at cadykeus-clay on tumblr!!!


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